How good/bad are these couple of paragraphs?

You're writing is good, as is your grammar and spelling, I just feel it is slightly pretentious. Like you are trying a little too hard for it to sound poetic. I typically don't like long winded sentences that take forever to get to the end of and give me more information than I actually need. I'm sure there are people who would enjoy your writing style, I just found myself skipping over sentences then having to go back and read them several times to get them to sink in. On the other hand it did perk my interest, and I would like to carry on reading, but your writing was slightly difficult to keep track of.